Monday, July 25
bleaugh. more agonizing! i worry that i get this twisted thrill out of agonizing over nothing. for janet, yes, it is nothing! absolutely nothing at all! i've been in agony over a big lot of nothing! but yet. ah well. oh oh oh but oh! how do i say this? i don't dare. nevermind.
did i ever tell you exactly what you mean to me?
our minds are such silly things. maybe that's why i go with my heart, and crash and burn anyway.
sorry i was so quiet today. i'm trying to pay attention in school now. i actually listened during econs and hist. yes. what a great achievement. so if i'm quiet or shush you, please try to understand.. i don't want to retain. and i don't like knowing i'm doing worse than others.
the balm on my wounded ego though: i did okay for gp essay. 35/50. at least i don't feel like a complete failure. i'm just about threequarter-way to being one.
i'm writing you a letter now, and i hope you get it soon. i hope you smile as wide as the heavens when you open the box, and i hope you shed a tear. i know you don't cry, but won't you try for me?
this is why i sound les? sometimes i think i'm beyond feeling any emotion, and then something happens to prove me wrong.
i'm not sure what i'm afraid of. it being true, or.. not. i never really know what i want, until i throw it away huh. there's a name for all of this - regret. i remember someone once saying that i'm probably the sort who goes through life regretting three quarters of the things she says and does. guess what. i think she's right. if i stop living now, i could cut short all that regret. but would i regret it?
it must've been love.
10:29 pm
xoxo
